It is nearly four weeks since my diagnosis, since I felt my world come crashing down!
However I have a very supportive husband, supportive friends, many I have never met we just support each other online. From my fellow writing friends to friends I met through an online slimming group. It is strange but these online friends have given me more support and strength than personal friends I have known for years.
My good days are still far and few in between the not so good to the very bad when you just want to hide and cry why me? I have always been an optimist but have learnt the hard way I also have a perfectionist streak.
No I am not obsessing about the cleaning, but often I have failed to delegate and have completed the task myself as I knew it would be completed right and quicker. This has taken me a long time to realise.
I now have no choice but to delegate, I still do not like it but it is a fact I can’t complete every task myself or by myself. I have discovered I hate asking for help, luckily my husband knows this and offers before I need to ask.
I find I have to try new ways on doing the simplest of tasks, I am often so stiff in the morning, I need my husband’s assistance to get into the shower, support me getting out and on occasion dry my legs as I am either exhausted or can’t bend that far without pain.
I have so far only given in to a pyjama day only once, I do still discipline myself to get up, shower and dress. I maybe exhausted afterwards but it is much easier to me than giving in.
Something I once too for granted is now an achievement. I managed to go grocery shopping with my husband last week and he took me for a nice drive in the country the following day. I paid the price of pain and fatigue for days afterwards.
I normally handwrite my notes first before typing but it seems that may need to change. I don’t think I am alone in the frustration of this invisible illness. Unless I have shooting pains in my legs causing me to limp then to the outside world I look fine.
Even typing this blog, is now causing pain in my fingers, maybe I should be like the great Barbera Cartland and dictate my work to a band of secretaries!! Yes I am trying to keep my sence of humour although it failed me this morning when a recruitment agency called me to see if I was available to go back to my old life. Biting down on my lip, I bravely told him to remove my name from their books as I had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia it was doubtful I could return to that way of life.
I walked away from my old life 2 years ago thinking I would be bored within a few months and want to go back. I started writing courses and writing books, I found a new lease of life a third career I looked at it. I enjoyed writing. I did not want to go back to rising at 5am to drive to an airport to fly to some meeting or spend too many hours driving around, Hampshire, Wiltshire and Dorset. My husband enjoyed coming home to me, a home cooked meal and lots of baking.
However, even though deep down I did not want to return to that life or even my previous one as a nurse, I felt angry and hurt now that choice had been taken away from me.
So with stiffening fingers I may not be able to blog too often, I hope at least to make it weekly. I will not give up on my writing even if it will take longer to achieve my goals.
My goal this week is to realise my limitations but not let it rule my life. There are still going to be days when I am going to scream why me? I have been known to be a survivor all my life. So although it may on occasion overwhelm me, I know I have friends, family and a fabulous husband who will be there to help pick me up when I am down.
Thanks for reading, I welcome comments and feedback on my personal journey. I will always reply. Hope to see you soon.